Thursday, June 16, 2011

Where Healing Begins - an update on what's going on in the Willis' family...

Posted by Jennifer at 10:43 AM
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. - Philippians 4: 6-7 (The Message)

I haven't posted a blog in a long time, not even any food posts! That's because our life has been a little crazy lately. As of yesterday, I'm officially on summer break - but it's not time to relax yet! We're headed off to camp on Saturday for a week. I think the time away will be good - I need some quality time with God - to process all that's been going on in our lives.

I really debated about whether to write this blog entry or not - but I think it'll be good for me. Be warned there might be a little TMI - but this is my story. So, let's back up - to May....

Sunday, May 8th - Mother's Day. Brandon and I find out I'm pregnant. We took several tests, because we weren't sure it was real! Ha ha! I had suspected I was - but it was time to find out for sure. We're freaked out - but excited!!

Monday, May 16th - I start noticing that I'm having some spotting. Nothing major, but enough to cause concern - so we go to the ER to be checked out. ER doctor doesn't see anything too concerning, no ultrasound that night, but pelvic exam doesn't show anything too concerning.

Thursday, May 19th - we have to go for a follow up appointment to the doctor, even though I wasn't actually supposed to go to the doctor for another week - but the ER wanted me to go back within 48 hours of being seen. So we go - and we have an ultrasound. With a not very nice ultrasound tech! We saw our little one - with a heartbeat - but the tech says we're measuring about 5 weeks 3 days - instead of about 8 weeks which is where I should have been. But we saw the heartbeat, and I wasn't having spotting or bleeding anymore. So, we are scheduled for another appointment the next week - our first nurse ed. appointment

Monday, May 23rd - I start spotting again, and it doesn't stop this time. It's still not a LOT - but definitely concerning. It continues throughout that week, gradually getting more and more.

Thursday, May 26th - Our first nurse ed. appointment. When we got to the appointment, I start talking with the nurse about what's been going on - and she immediately changed the plans for the day. They rushed me in for another ultrasound, and after that I actually met with my OB for the first time. We saw the heartbeat again - but when we talked with the doctor, he said that there had been very little growth since the week before - and that he wasn't sure how things were going to progress. Not exactly the news that we wanted to hear, but we and our doctor were still trying to be hopeful at that point - and I was scheduled for another doctor's appointment on the following Friday.

Saturday - Monday (Memorial Day weekend) - we headed up to my parents for the weekend, for some family stuff. I was still bleeding at this point, but trying not to be freaked out - because some women unfortunately bleed throughout their entire pregnancies.

Monday, May 30th - we headed home to Eugene in the afternoon - and decided to go see a movie. While we were on our way home, I started having some cramps - but took some tylenol, hoping that would take the edge off, because they weren't too bad. During the movie the cramps got a LOT worse - and by the end of the movie, I knew exactly was going on. As the evening progressed, my bleeding increased and included clots and the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced. We talked with the on-call doctor, and she confirmed over the phone that it seemed as though I was miscarrying. I was in horrible pain all night - and the next morning we confirmed it with our doctor.

It's been just over two weeks now - and physically I'm doing fine. Emotionally it's hard. I have really good days, and really really awful days. The doctor told us this shouldn't have any effect any future pregnancies - that it was probably something chromosomal. But, we're heartbroken. I'm all over the place hormonally still - and my emotions run the gamut almost daily! I'll go from being fine and happy, to angry, to sobbing and heartbroken all in one day! I'm angry that my body failed and didn't take care of the baby the way it was supposed to - because I was doing everything I was supposed to do from the outside. I'm mad because my body had started changing, and now none of my clothes fit right! And I don't even get to experience anything good out of that! I'm heartbroken, because we were so excited to be parents and that all changed so quickly.

God is good though - and He is taking care of us - and we have hope for the future. But it's still hard, and like I said some days are really really hard. I think that's why I needed to go ahead and write this blog post. Because, I'm not "typical Jennifer" right now. Things affect me differently right now. If you're expecting - know that I truly am happy for you right now and I do wish you all the best - it's just hard and heartbreaking to see/hear you going through the things that I would give anything to be going through myself right now. It's still so raw and I'm still processing a lot.

We'll be ok. This is not something we expected to go through, but I know that God is control and He is taking care of us, and someday I will get to meet my little one, and until then I can rest in the comfort of knowing that little one is with Jesus. I can't imagine going through something like this without knowing Christ - for that I'm truly thankful. For now, I pray for healing and peace.

Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark


Brandon Willis said...

I love you, Jennifer!

Angela on June 16, 2011 at 3:52 PM said...

Thinking of you. ((hugs))

Robin on June 16, 2011 at 5:08 PM said...

So very sorry. Big hugs.

lilacbasket on June 16, 2011 at 8:33 PM said...

I am soooo glad that you KNOW that you will see your precious one someday soon!!! You described your feelings so well that it will remind a lot of us that have experienced this as well!! We understand what you are going through and I send my prayers for healing to you & Brandon! These are the times that you will only see one set of footprints in the sand for Jesus will carry you through this!!

Myya on June 16, 2011 at 11:48 PM said...

When I read facebook the other day I was wondering. Oh I am heartbroken for you. I pray for you and hold hope that you will have a wonderful healthy beautiful pregnancy soon. You will be an amazing mama!!! Hugs.

Shana on June 23, 2011 at 5:49 PM said...

I am so sorry for you. I know it's not what any couple wants but everything does happen for a reason and very soon you will have your precious baby that was meant for you. Take care and my prayers are with you.

Jessica said...

We are thinking of you and Brandon, when your little one comes, you will both make great parents!!

Natalie on July 5, 2011 at 9:19 PM said...

I'm just getting caught up on blog friends and read your post. I'm so sorry!

Patti on August 18, 2011 at 9:33 AM said...

Oh, I am so sorry for you loss! I've had three miscarriages, so I know how much it hurts :( Praying for you to feel comfort.


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